Thomas. He's weeping

This last Sunday the Gospel was the reading where we hear of Doubting Thomas.  Part of ignatian spirituality is to pray with imagination and the scriptures.  Needless to say, I did not really listen to the homily about Divine Mercy Sunday because the entire time I was imagining what it must have been like for Thomas, really.  And not what his two lines in Scripture portray him as.

Thomas' story doesn't start at the resurrection.  Not even in the Bible, we hear about him earlier in the church year.  Not too long ago (March 25th this year--Scrutinies reading) we heard briefly about Thomas, but usually that gets overshadowed because it is hidden within the reading where Lazarus is raised from the dead.  The story, briefly, is this.  Lazarus, who is dear to Jesus has died in Judea.  Jesus wants to go back to Judea, where the 'Jews' had already tried to kill him.  Most of the disciples try to convince Jesus that they should not go back and Jesus talks about how the Son of Man must die.  Thomas responds, "Let us also go to die with him."  When the disciples are the ones who doubt Jesus' power in miracles and his presence among the Jews, Thomas alone believes in him.
So now we skip ahead to the Passion and Death of Jesus.  Scripture only tells us what Peter did during this time, so it leaves us to imagine what the other disciples did.  Probably they were scared.  Probably in their own way they tried to find out more information if there was something they could do for Jesus.  Probably they split up from each other.  Probably they were distraught, they were terrified, they could not believe that the Savior Messiah was going to be killed no matter what they did.  Eventually Jesus died on the cross, was taken down and hastily laid in a new tomb as Sabbath was beginning on Friday evening.  I imagine this is when the Apostles, those closest to Jesus, started to gather together to spend Sabbath together, to comfort one another, and to grapple with the existential question of what happens when your Messiah dies?!

Sunday morning comes, Sabbath is over, and the women go about the work of preparing Jesus' body for a proper burial because they could not before Sabbath started.  They go to the tomb only to return with accounts of Jesus' body not being there.  Even Mary Magdalene says she had a vision of the Risen Lord.  I imagine Thomas is wrought with grief and storms out of the room.
"How can they possibly think that the Rabbi has been resurrected?  He died, just as he said he would.  Now it was our time to continue preaching their message.  How could Mary do that to us?  We are already sad, we are already in danger, and now she audaciously comes to us and gives them false hope of resurrection.  Although Lazarus had previously been resurrected, Jesus had done that to prove to us another miracle, like the safe passages of our boat when we find ourselves in stormy weather.  No, I cannot believe it, it is too much.  it Hurts too much."

Within the next few hours I imagine is when Jesus appears to those who are in the room, "Peace be with you."  He wishes them peace at the end of these 3 days filled with turmoil.  And from there they were given the gift of the Holy Spirit.  They were given the mission to continue, and like Mary, they are given permission to "let go" of Jesus.
Thomas returns, maybe after calming down a little, maybe after shopping for some groceries for the disciples for the week. but they rile him up again when those who were there say that Jesus truly is Risen, that he appeared in their midst.
"Why don't they understand that this HURTS to talk about Jesus like this.  As if he were in our midst?  That is crazy!  I cannot believe it. I won't beleive it until I put my hand in his side, my fingers in the holes where the nails were!  He is dead, his body stolen and we have nothing more, we have no more purpose.  He said so himself on the cross, 'It is finished.' "

Now a week later his disciples were again inside
and Thomas was with them.
Jesus came, although the doors were locked,
and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you."
Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands,
and bring your hand and put it into my side,
and do not be unbelieving, but believe."
Thomas answered and said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
Jesus said to him, "Have you come to believe because you have seen me?
Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed."

This reading makes me imagine Jesus coming back, giving the Holy Spirit.  Giving them purpose, and also giving them permission to let go of the Jesus they were able to experience on the earth and continue his mission to those who have not had that first hand experience.
The Holy Spirit gave the disciples direction when they felt trapped and directionless.  It came to them when they most needed it.  Thomas couldn't see the Risen Lord because he wasn't ready to let go and to move forward.
They talk about "Doubting Thomas"  but I think there is more Thomas to the story, and more Thomas in me too.